Bum Reviews: Hellsing
by Crow T R0bot
Summary: Everyone's favorite homeless guy: Chester A. Bum, gives us his scatterbrained, tangental thoughts on the Hellsing TV Series.


Disclaimer: Hellsing is the intellectual property of Kouta Hirano. Bum Reviews belongs to Douglas "ThatGuyWithTheGlasses" Darien Walker.

For anyone who didn't read the summary, I remind you that our favorite hobo Chester is reviewing the original 2001-2002 Hellsing TV series. If I plan to do one based on Hellsing: Ultimate/The Manga, I'd rather wait for the former to finish. Anyway, if you don't know what the hell Bum Reviews is, I suggest you haul ass to "ThatGuyWithTheGlasses dot com" and look it up (along with Nostalgia Critic and Atop the Fourth Wall, my other favorites).

With all that said, enjoy.

_And now it's time for Bum Reviews, with Chester A. Bum_. _Tonight's episode..._

_**Hellsing**_

"_OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST ANIME I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!_" Shouted Chester A. Bum as he flailed his arms about with a childish enthusiasm.

"There's this guy..." The Bum began "...who is a vampire named Alucard, and he kills other vampires for this British guy!" He paused thoughtfully before adding "Well, I thought it was a really girly guy until I noticed she had long hair, wore a skirt, had a really high-pitched voice..." he trailed off before cupping his hands around his chest "...and some bajongas!" His face became slightly serious before remarking "You can never tell when someone from a Japanese cartoon is a woman anymore these days."

"He also lives in a big coffin! Just like me...only I live in a box...same thing, but why don't _I _get any evil superpowers?!"

In a heartbeat, however, the Bum's hyperactivity once again reared its head as he continued: "_SO ANYWAY, _there's this British cop lady who actually looks like a really ladily lady..." once again, the nerd made the cupping motion "...I mean _really_ ladily! She has **BOWLING BALLS **growing out of her chest!" He then returned to the original train of thought "...and she gets attacked by an _eeeeevil_ vampire Tim Curry!"

"I am going to suck you dry and turn you into a sweet transvestite!" The Bum said doing his best Cheddar vampire/Tim Curry impression.

"No, my heart belongs to Brad!" The Bum countered with a Seras impression.

"But then Alucard shows up and is all..." The Bum trailed off into an Alucard impression of questionable quality "..._Don't you feel shame, I thought at least scum could feel shame!"_

The Bum thoughtfully countered "Alucard has obviously never met me." The Bum smiled, but it wavered quickly. "...please kill me."

"BUT THEN THE VAMPIRE MAKES ALL HIS ZOMBIE SLAVES SHOOT ALUCARD TO PIECES!" The Bum ALL-CAPPED in horror. "But when he does, he just laughs and starts healing like Wolverine on steroids!" The Bum went off into another tirade "YOU SEE?! Laughter really IS the best medicine! I just laugh whenever I get shivved by other bums. I'm perfectly fine so I don't have to see that back alley doctor who wants my organs!"

The Bum's ranting ended again.

"So anyway, Tim Curry takes her hostage and is all _you'll never be able to stop me now!"_ But in a sudden shift of tone to mimic Alucard, the Bum raised his hand and extended his finger to appropriately mime a gun.

"Hey Dr. Frank N. Furter," 'Alucard' yelled. "West side!"

"So he kills the vampire..." the Bum's tone dropped to something a little more disenheartened "...but blows a big hole in one of the police lady's boobies."

Now visibly displaying a mixture of confusion and disturbance, the Bum queried "...Does Kouta Hirano have women issues or something?"

"SO ANYWAY!" The Bum all-capped again, "the girl is not quite dead, so Alucard turns her into a vampire, and I think it really makes her sad, because her eyes always seem to be red. She then takes her to his boss lady-man who says: 'Why did you turn her into a vampire?"

"Because!" The Bum 'replied' in a rough mockup of Alucard's voice.

"Okay! But you'd better feed her, walk her, and take _real_ good care of her!" 'Integra' replied.

"SO ANYWAY, Alucard on the cop lady go around killing other vampires with _really_ big guns! And boy does the cop lady have one! No, I'm not talking about the ones on her chest! I mean the kind you shoot people with! She has this gun named after a guy from _Dune_ that blows up everything and is bigger than she is!"

The Bum's demeanor instantly shifted from amazed and excited to confused and annoyed. "HOW DOES THIS ORGANIZATION STAY SECRET?! How do people _not _notice a seven foot tall red guy and his girlfriend with a gun bigger than Louie Anderson blowing up vampires in the middle of a city?! Is reality TV really important enough not to take your eyes off the screen for TWO SECONDS?!"

Of course, the manic vagrant instantly switched back to his loveable enthusiastic self.

"So they fight evil teenage vampires!..." The Bum trailed off "...aren't they evil normally? I know most of the teenagers I see throw rocks at me!"

The Bum continued "...and then a reporter who sniffs around a little too much and Alucard's boss lady orders him to eat!" The Bum analyzed that last thing he just said and was struck by a feeling of indignation. "I THOUGHT THESE WERE THE GOOD GUYS?!"

"But then the EEEEEVIL Catholics send over a priest who sounds like Groundskeeper Willie to fight Alucard!"

"Yarr!!!" The bum said in his best Scottish accent. "I come to kill the vampires! NOW GET IN MAH BELLAH!"

"Hell no!" replied 'Alucard.' Before "shooting" Anderson. "Well I guess that was anti-clima-."

"PSYCHE!" 'Anderson' yelled before 'Alucard' could finish.

"And then he stabs him with a JILL-L-L-LION bayonets...which I guess come from...where does he keep them?! Does he have a TARDIS under his coat or something?!"

"And then the Police Girl is like, 'no, don't kill me!' and the priest is like 'Aye! Eat bayah-netz bitch!"

"But since Alucard is Alucard, he's okay and fights the priest off!"

"I'll get ye next time Alucard, NEXT TIME!" With his Anderson impression concluded, the bum exposited "Then he teleports away with a cloud of Bible pages! I TELEPORT WITH BIBLE PAGES ALL THE TIME!" The Bum proudly hollered. "Though they're not bible pages, they're bags of the dog poo I clean up from my alley, and I don't actually teleport, I just run away to a different alley."

"And when they're done with that, the Hellsing boss lady's house is attacked by two vampires with an army of ZOMBIES WITH MACHINE GUNS! I can't quite remember the vampires names, so I'll call them Luke Skywalker and 50 Cent, because that's who they remind me of. And they're _really_ dangerous because it takes _three_ episodes to kill them!"

"So 50 Cent goes around the mansion with his zombies and runs into all these Hellsing soldiers who are all like: _"Aw crikey mate, we'll stop you and have fish n' chips for celebration! Savvy?!"_

In his not-at-all like Jan impression, the Bum 'replied' "East Side bitches!" before miming his hands as guns and making machine-gun sound effects.

"But then the police lady and the butler show up to kill him...and the butler, who's like a bajillion years old, jumps around like a ninja cutting up all his zombie soldiers WITH DENTAL FLOSS! See? That's _exactly why I never floss!_ Sure, my teeth hurt whenever I eat moldy bread from the trash can next to my box, but at least I have a head to chew it with!"

"But when it seems like 50 Cent is able to break into the room and kill the Hellsing lady and the eleve other people in charge of England, they shoot him a BAJILLION times! WHY DID THEY EVEN NEED BODYGUARDS?!" The homeless reviewer shook his head but continued. "Of course, since the guy they shot was 50 Cent, he was okay. But since he doesn't want to be slave to The Man, he snaps his fingers and catches on fire!" The Bum paused, having a thoughtful look on his face as he pondered his exact words. "...I...guess that makes sense...Maybe he snapped his fingers too hard"

"Meanwhile! Luke Skywalker is all like: _I will destroy you and become the best vampire ever, believe it!_ And then shoots Alucard like a bazillion times! But Alucard is 50 Cent too, so he's okay, and he's all like..." The Bum shifted to his Alucard voice again.

"Autovampires! Transform and Roll out!" He said whilst making Alucard's Control Arts release gestures. "And then he transforms into this _hooooorible_ shadow blob with all these eyes and dogs growing out of it! It looks like one of those things I see right when my crack high crashes!...Only not quite as scary. And then Luke is all..."

"AUGH! DON'T EAT ME!" Yelled "Luke."

"And Alucard is all like..."

"OMNONMONOMNOMNOMNOMNOM!!!" The Bum snarled as he shoveled make-believe food into his mouth, following it with an obnoxious belch.

"But after that and a bunch of other weird stuff happens, an African vampire named Incognito shows up! WHAT KIND OF NAME FOR A VAMPIRE IS INCOGNITO?!" The Bum Capslocked once more. "Why not just name him John Doe or Anonymous! If they named him Anonymous, maybe he could have been a good vampire and fought evil Scientologists! At least vampires don't sue the pants off of you and destroy your reputation and your life just because you tell the truth about them! Why do you think I am a bum now?!"

The anger in his voice rising, the Bum shook his fists in the air and shouted vengefully to the heavens: "_**HUBAAAAAAAARD!**_"

Fortunately, he immediately realized: "Oh right, the anime."

Without taking time to even clear his throat, Chester's scatterbrained review continued.

"So then a bunch of stuff happens that really doesn't go anywhere, like the police chick meeting this twelve year old vampire librarian and meeting Integra's sister who isn't really her sister but just a vampire dyke who's really creepy and hypnotizes people and stuff and this guy who Incognito turns into a vampire but doesn't really do anything himself..." The bum paused to catch his breath before moving on.

"...Incognito kills the librarian kid and tells the police chick: _I am going to kill your master and sic my god on your island!"_

"Why?"

"Because!"

"And then Hellsing gets framed for...something, I don't know, I think the show was starting to get crazier than me at that point..." The Bum rolled his eyes trying to remember at least the essentials of what happened next.

"So anyway, Alucard and Incognito fight a lot and then...wait a minute!" The Bum said thoughtfully. "Alucard is Dracula spelled backwards, and Incognito is based on Count Orlok from _Nosferatu_, who was loosely based on Dracula himself..." The Bum's eyes widened as the revelation hit him.

"OH MY GOD!" The vagabond shrieked. "THAT IS SO MIND-BLOWINGLY META! It would be like Jesus spelling his name backwards and fighting the lion they got to play Aslan in the Narnia movies! Who _wouldn't_ want to see Jesus fight a lion?!" He asked no one in particular before taking on a more somber countenance.

"Remember," He said pointing at you, the reader. "Susej wrestled a lion for your sins."

"SO ANYWAY! Incognito kills Alucard by getting shot in the head and turning his head invisible to...shoot the bullets back at him...?" The Bum looked back and forth, trying once more to make sense of what he just said. "I..._think_ I wasn't high when I was watching it." He continued his synopsis. "And then he summons a _giiiiiant_ Snake to attack London, because I guess it wanted revenge for St. Patrick driving it out of Ireland or something, I dunno."

"But just when it seems like Alucard is down for the count—pun totally intended—his boss lady unlocks his _real_ power for him!"

"And then not only does Alucard recover. He shapeshifts into his most _terrrrrifying form of all!"_ And with that, the horrified bum yelled "_HE TURNS INTO __**MICHAEL JACKSON!**__"_ The Bum could not contain his shock. _"NO WONDER THE CHURCH WANTED TO KILL HIM! HE'S COMPETITION!_"

"So then Count Jackula and Incognito fight for a while, and Incognito is like..."

"You'll never stop me now!"

"And Alucard is like..."

"SHAMON!"

"Then Jackula blows him away by taking his broken gun and...shooting a silver pole out of it..."

At last, even the Bum's credulity was stretched to its limit, and he could contain himself no more. _"What the hell man?!_" The Bum asked no one in particular, but gave up pursuing any attempt at trying to make sense of it.

"But anyway, the show was really cool...even though the second half was just pure, unadulterated crazy, and not 'Oh my God, it's the Joker crazy,' just..." The Bum shook as he struggled to find the right word. "...crazy. But at least a lot of cool stuff happened."

With a more enthusiastic tone returning to his voice, the Bum added, "Who knows, maybe in the sequel, Alucard will fight enemies like Namflow, Ymmum, and retsnoM s'nietsneknarF. Maybe even a bunch of vampire Nazis..." at that last one, the Bum sputtered into a gigglefit. "Pfft, like that'd ever happen, Nazis are so overused anyway! Anyway, I'm sure they'll come out with a sequel...eventually."

The bum gave that some last minute thought. "How old is this movie again?...Eh."

Finally, with a cheerful smile, the Bum realized his time was up for the day.

"This is Chester A. Bum saying..." He then thrust a Styrofoam cup in your face and waved it around like crazy. "CHANGE! YOU GOT CHANGE?! AW COME ON, HELP A GUY OUT WILL YA?! COME ON, CHANGE!"

**Seriously though, Hellsing was awesome, but it seemed like the creators stopped caring after the Valentine Brothers Assault.**

"...At least give me some garlic to scare Michael Jackson away!"


End file.
